So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
bring money and cleavage
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
