Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
