I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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