Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
