Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
