please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
