so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
