but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
