im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
