Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
