he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
