BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
