maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
