Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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