Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
