Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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