STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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