You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
