I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
