I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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