I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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