ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
