It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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