My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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