she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
