I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I AM VODKA MAN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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