You just made me feel so damn special
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
