wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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