Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
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just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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