I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
