Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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