Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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