I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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