the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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