Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
