she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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