I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
