i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
why is half of my head shaved?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
