found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize