Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
