i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
