Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
