She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
