i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
