Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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