I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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