woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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