The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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