He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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