i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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