I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
