Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
