i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
