I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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