Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
