He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
